In the last couple of weeks I have had an ongoing battle in my head to write a piece about the scourge of violence in marital and amorous relationships in Nigeria. But I have been restrained by the thought of how it would be received, but the murder of Adebayo Oyelowo Oyediran Ajanaku; by his wife no less, helped me make up my mind.
Like the late Layo, many Nigerians trapped in abusive relationships are unwilling or unable to get out or get help. Why? More often than not, the Nigerian society tacitly encourages the menace by excusing abusers and urging abused spouses or lovers to remain in the relationship to their peril. So why do I think it never pays to stay with an abuser? Read on.
- It is wrong. Nothing ever justifies violence against a lover or spouse, some men claim that their wives are rude, some women claim that their husband philander, and a thousand and one reasons, but guess what? The rod of correction is for the children in the house, not the mummy or daddy (as the case may be). The truth is that such people have problems controlling their tempers, and need help. Nothing will ever make beating your boy/girlfriend or spouse right. If you have a problem, sort it out, if you can’t, get out of the relationship fast, before you become a memory.
- It can lead to death or permanent injury. Abusive people are prone to uncontrollable rages. They are tragedies waiting to happen, oftentimes blaming their partners for provoking or inciting them to anger. Back to the woman who claimed to have stabbed her husband for having a child outside their marriage, rationally speaking as a Christian, and an African woman, it is nothing new, and does not justify murder. A sane woman would either accept the situation to save her marriage, or move on. Take your pick.
- It will never end. Cases abound of abusive husbands who beat their wives until the women land in hospital. And later blame such behaviour on the devil when they regain their senses. And so the women return to their abusers, hoping that the situation will change, and that the abuse will come to an end. The truth is that it never will, why? Because more often than not, abusers never change their behaviour. It will only end when they break up or either party dies.
- It creates monsters. Human beings raise people like themselves, and that is one of the saddest things about the situation. Children born to such relationships abuse their spouses, and others end up with people who abuse them the way their parent was. I have seen men who hated their fathers for abusing their mothers; grow up to do the same thing even though they vowed never to do what their father did. The only way to break the ugly cycle is to get out, and get help. Abroad, the government provides counselling and shelters for abused women, but that is not the situation in Nigeria. Our extended family system however attempts to meet this need. Whatever it takes, if you are in an abusive relationship, break the silence; seek help, and get out, before you are carried out of that home in a coffin. Enough said. – The Nation.
